


Hurt me once, hurt me twice

by ILoveMisha2



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Gen, Heaven, Hurt, Jimmy Novak - Freeform, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform, castiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 03:06:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7828033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILoveMisha2/pseuds/ILoveMisha2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel goes to visit Jimmy in heaven because of the guilt he's harbored for a long time over what happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: i do not own.  
> Not beta'd, all mistakes are my own.
> 
> There isn't enough Jimmy fics in this world so here i am adding another!

_Castiel, please._

Jimmy was being quiet but still demanding, castiel could feel his anger although jimmy could not fully express it with Castiel using him as a vessel.

Castiel was stood outside, on the sidewalk of some corner in the dead of night, a few homeless people moving about but otherwise the night was silent.

“You made the choice, Jimmy. You chose to serve heaven.”

_But my family! If I could just see them one more time._

“No. You are not permitted that. Seeing them will comprise not only them but you and I cannot, you cannot, serve heaven at full capacity. Don't make me repress you again.”

_I'm begging you, Castiel. I- if I had known-_

“I made sure you were fully aware of the choice you were making. I will not tell you again, be quiet.”

Castiel didn't have anywhere to be right now, he had not received any further orders and the Winchesters did not need his assistance so he had nothing better to do than argue with jimmy although it was becoming persistently redundant and annoying.

_I miss them. Do you know how much I miss them? I remember we used to go to the park on Wednesdays, when it was sunny. Claire loved the slide the best and she'd never wait for me to be ready to catch her, she'd just go, but I'd get her every time. Brave little thing she is, she never needed any help. Then when she got older Amelia and i got her a bike, she learned how to ride the bike so fast, barely needed my help. Then we stopped going to the park and instead I would help her with her homework and she'd always know more than me but pretend like she didn't so it wouldn't make me feel bad. I miss them, I miss those moments, castiel, and I don't expect you to understand but you never get moments like that back. . . I'll never get that back. My family will never get that back._

Castiel blinked for the first time that night and looked down. He cleared his throat and looked up, looked in at Jimmy and saw his exhaust and defeat. Castiel knew he should feel bad, a human would feel bad, but he didn't, he couldn't afford to.

“Jimmy, I am truly sorry. This is the way things are, this is what you chose. Trust me on this though, when its time you will meet them again at the gates.”

_You're not sorry, don't say that to me when you don't mean it. And I said yes because I trusted you, Castiel, and I still do._

And with that Jimmy fell silent, fell back to the shadows and repressed himself because he knew there was no changing Castiel’s mind. Castiel was right, Jimmy knew. He had chosen this so he had to deal with it.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R&R please !!

Castiel hadn't risked going home for a while but he couldn't get Jimmy out of his mind. It was time he go back, he'd risk it for Jimmy.

“This is a stupid idea,Cas, back me up Sam!”

Sam, always looking so concerned cast that look upon Cas, hand outstretched to the angel.

“Yeah, Cas, this is a risky move. There's no guarantee you'll get out let alone make it there.”

“ I understand your guys’ concern, trust me, I have them as well but this is something I have to do. I owe Jimmy a lot more than this.” 

Dean was thinking, making his way around the table in the bunker for the third time, beer in hand.

“If you don't make it back then what?”

“I'll make it back, Dean, I promise.” 

Castiel didn't give them a second to debate with him. He poofed straight out of the room and into Jimmy’s heaven but made a quick stop first. He knew exactly where Jimmy was, he placed him himself.

Castiel opened the door to Jimmy's heaven, which was his house and walked in, looking around the place, remembering this was part of what he took from Jimmy for what he thought at the time was for the greater good.

“Jimmy Novak?”

The house was quiet until the stairs squeaked and Jimmy came around the corner. He dropped his cup of coffee and stared ahead.

“Who-”

“Castiel, i'm castiel. I took a different vessel for a moment. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable what with me still using your vessel and all.”

Jimmy slowly sat at his kitchen table and Castiel followed without hesitation, eyes heavy with the guilt he felt. Jimmy thought the strawberry blond hair and brown eyes of Castiel’s vessel didn't match him at all. It just wasn't Castiel.

“Did they- um, is my family . .”

“Oh no, they're still alive. I don't have much time and I know it's been a long time since we spoke but I need to tell you something.”

Jimmy laughed humorously and sat his hands down on the table.

“All you ever did was tell me things, barely let me get a word in. You realize it's been 25 years Castiel? 25 years of me here by myself, going through memories I can't touch.”

“I'm so sorry.” 

Castiel looked down, his hands clasped together. This vessel was too different, uncomfortable but he reminded himself he owed Jimmy a lot more than his discomfort.

“Huh, you actually mean it this time.” Jimmy said curiously.

“I do and I wish I could take things back, the awful things I had said to you. The things I put you through, you deserve better than what I gave you.”

“I forgive you, Castiel. I forgave you a long time ago. You were just doing your job, but you're different now. I can see it, something's changed in you and it's good. You seem better in a lot of ways but I never expected you of all the angels to change.”

“Yes well, I have had time to think clearly and make my own choices. You helped, you do know that right? You didn't die in vain.”

“I did die in vain. My family doesn't know. They don't know I'm here and I couldn't protect them. My baby girl is . . . I don't even know how she is or where she is. All I know are these memories that play for me here right in front of me and when I try and interact outside of the memory guidelines, it doesn't work. I tell my daughter, my wife, that I love them and they say it back and it's just a memory. Remember when i told you that you couldn't get these types of memories back? Well you can here and i don't care much for it. It's not the same thing here. I feel sadness and I didn't think you were allowed to feel that here.”

“Jimmy, I don't know what to say other than that I am tremendously sorry, the hand you've been dealt . . . I don't know why I came here but I felt that I needed to.”

“You came here to get closure for yourself because you feel guilty, because you're still selfish, even if you truly are sorry, you're more sorry for yourself. I know I ultimately made the choice but that was my life I lost.”

“Jimmy, please, I just want to hear that you're okay and if there is anything I can do to make things okay I will do it. I lost things too, I sacrificed things too.”

Jimmy shifted in his chair, castiel sat hunched in on himself.

“I am as fine as I'll ever be. There's nothing you can do. I don't mean this in a harsh way but I think you've done enough.”

“Yes, well, I can understand why you feel that way.”

“How is Dean doing? Sam?”

“They're okay I suppose. They were against me coming here with a price on my head and what not . They don't know how important this is. Me and you, we shared thoughts, we shared opinions and disagreements. . . I'm sorry they didn't know you, that others will not get the chance to know you and I'm sorry that your daughter and your wife do not know you. I know you though and I hope that means something to you because it does to me and you deserve remembrance. I will give it to you.”

“Castiel, I've been here for a while, I've had a lot of time to think and feel sorry for myself and torture myself with the fact that I made the stupidest choice of my life by saying ‘yes’ but what are you gonna do? Things are the way they are and you are the way you are. I'm just getting tired of this place. I want to be with them. I miss them. I miss them and even though they're right here in front of me at times in my memories they still feel far away.”

“Time is different here, I know, but it's for the best that it passes this way. God knows what he's doing. I know you miss them, I can't imagine how much but I felt it before, through you when you were still alive. They feel far away because their souls aren't tethered here yet. You may spend what feels like forever waiting for them to come home I'm afraid but I'm sure you rather them be alive and living their lives for as long as possible.”

“Can I tell you something?”

Castiel looked confused but nodded his agreement. Jimmy was just the same as ever. Castiel could feel it.

“ I hated you, for the longest time I hated you. I'm sure you felt it but I want you to know that I didn't mean it.” 

“It's, as humans say, ‘water under the bridge’.” 

Jimmy smiled and took a sip from his new cup of coffee, courtesy of heaven.

“I'm still wondering why you came here. I thought I knew, but you're not very selfish anymore. But you can't be here for me because there's nothing I can give you unless you want some more of me spouting out about how I hate it here, although it's better than being stuck to you. The comit.”

“I'm here because I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry and I wanted you to know that. I wanted you to know that I do care. I regret the things I put you through, I regret the pain I made you feel and I know because I could sense what you felt and then I ignored it but now I feel it more deeply because I can understand it . . . you shouldn't be sad here, this should be your paradise.”

“Well, thank you. I truly mean it, but you don't need to feel it anymore because I'm not there anymore. I wasn't sad here, not in the beginning. It was my paradise, but it's different somehow. I'm okay here, comfortable I suppose, it's just different.”

“At least this here, is the worst it gets for you now. I'd say that's a win although I can't say heaven is. I used to think this place was everything, that God protected us all. Its not my home anymore and it's so corrupt by my brothers and sisters it drove me away. Your heaven though, others heavens. Those are the things that have stayed the same since the big uproar. Maybe God is still protecting his people.”

Castiel stood, alert, he sensed the other angels feeling his presence and he knew he needed to leave and soon.

“I'm sorry to cut this short, Jimmy, but I'm afraid they know I'm here somewhere and they won't stop to ask me questions. I promised Dean I'd make it back in one piece.”

Jimmy leaned back in his chair, arms crossed, a smile on his face.

“You love him. I could see that before, I thought that man would be my way out. That maybe if you realized soon enough that you liked him then maybe you'd feel something on my behalf and let me go. But you love him and you must know it by now.”

“I-”

“Please, you don't have to hide from me, we shared a body after all.”

Jimmy stood and extended his hand out to Castiel who grasped on tight and shook. Jimmy smiled and released his grip.

“You should go, before they catch up to you and you break your promise to Dean.”

Castiel nodded and within a second he was gone, just like that. Just like Jimmy had just imagined that whole conversation.

Jimmy huffed a laugh to himself and got up, bracing his hands on the table and shook his head.

“Castiel, you bastard.” He said.

It held no malice, no anger, just amusement and light hearted annoyance.

Jimmy had spent a great deal of time thinking about what he would say if he were to ever come in contact with Castiel again. He told himself he wouldn't take no for an answer and that he’d scream and demand until he couldn't anymore. But Castiel was different and Jimmy let go of that anger a long time ago.

“Daddy, watch me go down the slide!”

Jimmy turned around, the place had turned into a park. Jimmy smiled halfheartedly at Claire. She was 6 and smiley. Full of life.

“Another memory.” Jimmy whispered as he walked forward to stand next to amelia and put his arm around her.


End file.
